The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

October 30, 2013

John 17: 20-26

“My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one, I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. “Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world. “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

October 27, 2013
John 17: 20-26, The Relationship You’ve Always Wanted
Pastor Mary Scheer, Brewster Baptist Church
[vimeo 77974402 w=500&h=375]

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These words are Jesus last prayer for us and his will for the church. His prayer is that;

We will believe in Jesus
That we would be united, one with God and one with each other.
That our unity would be a powerful witness of God’s love to the world
That we would see God’s glory
That we would find ourselves secure in a relationship with God and each other.

That’s the goal. I wonder what the world would be like if people everywhere were united in faith and living out the Gospel.

I wonder what the church worldwide would like if we were all united.

How would this unity influence our sense of community, and care for one another.

Humans were created for community. But sometimes we have trouble achieving the kind of community we were meant to enjoy.

When I talk about community, I’m talking about the kind of connectedness and bonding that Jesus prayer communicates.

In the beginning, humans had complete community with God and each other.

Adam and Eve lived in the garden with God. They enjoyed freedom in his presence, walking and talking with God with nothing to separate them.

Genesis 2:25 said Adam and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.

Right from the beginning the point is made that there was nothing between God, Adam and Eve, not even clothing.

I always wondered why the story needed to include that detail. Do we need to know that they had no clothes on and felt no shame?

Couldn’t the story have just said, they walked freely in the garden with God? But then no detail is by chance.

The next part of the text helps to explain it.

Genesis 2:6-8 says, “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.

Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”

“Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden.”

Can you picture Adam and Eve trying to duck from God behind some trees?

But the Lord called to the man, “where are you?” he answered, I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid. And the Lord said, “who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” (Gen 3: 8-11).

They had once enjoyed a close and perfect relationship with God and each other, and literally nothing came between them.

But then their actions caused them to feel exposed and vulnerable, so they covered and hid what made them vulnerable.

From that point on, they would not experience the closeness with God and with each other that they had previously.

Jesus prayer calls us back to that place of connectedness and unity. But this has been a struggle for us.

I believe part of that struggle relates to the original experience of Adam and Eve, and something you and I still face today, ”Shame.”

Shame is the fear of disconnection, of not being accepted. Shame is universal, one of our most primitive human emotions.

One author said, “the only people who don’t experience shame, lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.” (Brene Brown; Daring Greatly)

All of us can relate to shame. We may have memories of things that caused us shame, either because of things we did, things that were done to us, or the social or family system we grew up in, or in romantic relationships.

Some folks experienced shame as a fallout of addiction, abuse, poverty or homelessness, divorce, the loss of a job, disappointments of a family member, a change in body image, mental and physical health, stereotypes, surviving trauma and the shame that follows being bullied.

A few weeks ago the news reported the story of a 12 year old Florida girl who died by suicide following a period of being bullied.

Illustration: When I think about shame in my own life, I think about my divorce. No one gets married thinking they will get divorced.

It’s traumatic for everyone involved. When I was going through my divorce, some of my Christian friends

criticized me,
questioned me, and
some ultimately cut off their friendship with me.

The place I felt the most judged was among my Christian friends and the church. People would ask about the details of the divorce as if they could somehow reconcile it in their own mind.

One pastor wrote that, “Shame is so painful, so debilitating that people develop a thousand coping strategies, conscious and unconscious, numbing and destructive, to avoid its tortures.

Shame is the worst possible thing that can happen, because shame, in its profoundest meaning, conveys that one is not fit to live in one’s own community.

Despite the forgiveness that we have in Christ, many Christians live with a perpetual cloud of shame hanging over their heads, both for things from their past and their present.

If we are to walk in newness of life, we must know and experience Christ’s conquering power over our guilt and shame. (West Hills Community Church)

Some of the most feared illnesses in Jesus time were the kind associated with shame because they caused the individual to be isolated.

We saw this with those struggling with Leprosy, and of course in the story of Job, who was kicked outside the city gate.

Job said, “If I am guilty, woe to me! Even if I am innocent, I cannot lift my head, for I am full of shame and drowned in my affliction.” (Job 10:50)

I believe the church needs to address anything that challenges our full participation in community.

The book Un Christian (written to identify what a new generation really thinks about Christians), and describes some of the reasons young people don’t want to come to church.

“They believe Christians are judgmental stating 9 out of 10 young outsiders said that the terms hypocritical and judgmental accurately describes present-day Christianity.” (pg 180)

“The perception is that Christians are known more for talking about moral issues they don’t like, than actually doing anything about it, or caring for the people affected by it”. (pg 182)

In a recent study, folks outside the church, churchgoers and pastors, were asked to describe whether they perceive Christian churches to be loving environments, places where people are unconditionally loved and accepted regardless of how they look or what they do.

Only one out of five folks outside the church said yes they thought Christians were loving.
Fewer than half of the churchgoers, including born again Christian’s felt strongly that their church demonstrated unconditional love.
More than ¾ of pastors felt strongly that their church loved unconditionally.” (summarizes from Un Christian. Pg. 182-183).

Not everyone’s perceptions may be accurate, but perceptions are what we are dealing with.

You may know someone who doesn’t come to church because they don’t feel like they fit in or will be accepted the way they are. People don’t want to feel shamed.

The first time we hear about shame is following Adam and Eve’s sin, and it left them exposed, distanced & vulnerable.

In her talk on Vulnerability, Shame researcher, Brene Brown said, “vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness.

Whether we acknowledge it or not, shame affects us deeply. Shame is the fear of disconnection and not being accepted. It makes us want to cover up and hide the parts of us we think would make others reject us.

On the week we talk about small groups, I always tell my New Member Class that, “Connection is the energy between people when they feel seen heard and valued, when they can give and received without judgment.

We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively and spiritually hardwired for connection, love and belonging.” Brene Brown

Connection…gives purpose and meaning to our lives. But, this is the power of shame, it blocks connection, it divides and separates.

“…It deflates one’s sense of self, our relationships with others and, possibly, our perception of God.” (From a sermon by Victor Yap, “Face up to Life and Death” 1/24/2009).

That’s why if we are talking about unity in the church and our relationship with God and each other, we have to talk about shame and its potential to create distance between us.

Guilt and Shame are often used synonymously, but they have different meanings.

Guilt means debt. Shame means to cover. Guilt is doing. Shame is being.

In Romans 7, “The Apostle Paul illustrates the difference between guilt and shame when he says, “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice” (Romans 7:19). That is guilt emanating from doing. Then Paul agonizes, “Oh wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?” This is a cry of shame.” (Patricia Lee Hulsey. Shattering the Shackles of Shame)

“Psychologist John Bradshaw portrays shame as hopelessness and spiritual bankruptcy, a state of being,… a sense of worthlessness, of failing and falling short…It is like a sickness of the soul.”

And like other kinds of sickness, shame inhibits growth.

John Ortberg said, “The decision to grow always involves a choice between risk and comfort. This means that to be a follower of Jesus, you must renounce comfort as the ultimate value of your life. And that’s sobering news to most of us, because we’re into comfort…but water walkers master failure…

Did Peter fail?…Failure is not an event, but rather a judgment about an event. Failure is not something that happens to us or a label we attach to things.

It is a way we think about outcomes…

Did Peter fail? Well, I suppose in a way he did. His faith wasn’t strong enough. His doubts were stronger. ‘He saw the wind.’ He took his eyes off of where they should have been. He sank. He failed.

Ortberg says, here is what I think. I think there were eleven bigger failures sitting in the boat. They failed quietly. They failed privately. Their failure went unnoticed, unobserved, un-criticized. Only Peter knew the shame of the public failure. But only Peter knew two other things as well. Only Peter knew the glory of walking on water.

And He alone knew what it was to attempt to do what he was not capable of doing on his own, then feeling the euphoria of being empowered by God to actually do it.” (Ortberg, If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the boat. Pg.21-23)

Shame does not have to prevent us from fulfilling our God given destiny. But shame absolutely can prevent us from fulfilling our God given destiny!

Brene Brown said after years of research she learned that, “Some people have a strong sense of worthiness and love, while others struggle for it.

There was one variable that divided them.

Those who had a strong sense of self were wholehearted and lived from a sense of worthiness.”

What they had was courage, compassion, connection:

Those who had it were willing to tell the story of who they are with their whole heart.
They had the courage to be imperfect. They had connection as a result of authenticity.
They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to embrace who they were.
They fully embraced vulnerability.
They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.
They believed it was necessary to say I love you first, and to invest in others.

As I said before, “vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness”. However, “Vulnerability is also the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity”. Brene Brown.

It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity.

If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

We may know someone today who is trudging through the muck of shame. The church should be at the forefront of healing. We have the most powerful message of hope.

We can nurture faith with assurance from Scripture and say with the Psalmist,

“In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame; deliver me in your righteousness.” (Ps. 31:1)
“Guard my life and rescue me; do not let me be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.” (Ps 25:20)
For the Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in Jesus will never be put to shame.” (Rom. 10:11)

We know that it’s because of the sacrifice of Jesus, that we can seek forgiveness for our sins and healing of shame. There is freedom in forgiveness. We don’t have to live our lives affected by shame.

Jesus prayed for us to be one like he is with the Holy Spirit and the Father. I believe we can work toward that by;

Being willing to find comfort and courage, to share our story with others,
Learning to be comfortable with imperfection and let go of what we think should be, and embrace what is.
By being willing to invest in others out of a place of compassion.
By letting ourselves be seen, deeply seen, & vulnerably seen,
And by loving with our whole hearts, and believe that we are enough.

In giving we receive, in connecting, we connect.

We may not be able to influence unity around the world, or even in the church across town, but we can make it a priority in our lives and here at BBC.

And who knows where it could lead if church after church, in town after town could work on shame and grow in unity.

I know this. If we do these things, we will be taking great steps toward the things Jesus prayed for.

And we will;

Grow in our relationship with Jesus
Be the kind of witness of God’s love that draw others to Christ.
Increase our unity, with God and each other.
See God’s glory in our lives and in the church
And find ourselves secure in the kind of relationship with God and each other that we’ve always wanted.

Let’s Pray:

Dear Lord, thank you for loving us enough to pray for us. May we work toward the things you prayed for. If there are any this morning coping with shame, I pray for your help with their particular situation. I pray for healing and restoration. I pray your help for each of us as we consider where we might deal with shame. Bless our relationships and our efforts to grow in unity and community in a way that blesses your name and brings you glory. In Jesus name. Amen.

Blessing: From Isaiah 54:4

Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed;
Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame…And will not remember the reproach…anymore.

For this reason, we go out rejoicing with grace and peace!

And all God’s people said, Amen!

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