Keeping Healthy Boundaries in Relationships

Good morning to you and for those of you who are visiting my name is David Pranga. I am the Executive Pastor here at Brewster Baptist Church. We are in a series entitled, “Elements of a Healthy Relationship”. It has been a great series so far. We are in week 6 and we are over halfway through the series.  We have received a tremendous amount of positive feedback, so if you have missed a week or two, please grab a cd after the service, go on line to the website, or listen to it on iTunes. Today, we will be talking about “boundaries”.

When you think of the word boundaries, what is the image that first comes to your mind? Maybe a fence, stone wall, or guardrail comes to mind.

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May 17, 2015
Proverbs 4:23, Keeping Healthy Boundaries in Relationships
Pastor David Pranga, Brewster Baptist Church

Now each of these images represents a boundary of one kind or another. So what is a boundary?

In geography, a boundary is that which marks the end of one property and the beginning of another. Some may just simply call it a “dividing line”. A fence can act as a boundary line between my house and the next door neighbors’.

Having boundary lines can be a very good thing. There are many good benefits to having boundaries. Take the picture of the stone wall. That stone wall will keep you safe and prevent danger. Having a fence between you and your neighbor will let you know how much of the yard you are responsible for. For my son, it may be how much grass he will be responsible to mow.

Let’s say, you are traveling along a dangerous part of the road or even going on a bridge. It is nice to know there is a guardrail there to protect us from harm. There are a lot of good benefits to having boundaries in our life.

(Yet, what happens when you don’t have boundaries?)

Recently and I mean recently, I gave in to the pressure of my 5 wonderful children and my beautiful wife and got something that I told myself that I would never do. The one thing that I told myself that I never would want or buy. What is it that I got you may be asking? This past Easter we adopted a golden lab from a rescue center named Rugby. (show picture) He is around a year old and one of the most friendly and energetic dogs I know. For one day, I was considered the best dad on Cape Cod.

So when we first got Rugby, we had to keep him on a leash. I tried to explain to my kids the importance of watching Rugby. And needless to say, our kids quickly found out the reason why. What happens do you think when there are “no boundaries” in keeping the dog in the yard?

Let’s just say, Rugby our dog has had no problem running into the neighbor’s yard. Let’s just say, we got to know one of our neighbors pretty quickly. In fact, that neighbor let us know that we need to watch out for our dog because the neighbor behind them have two Doberman pinchers that run free much of the time.

Rugby enjoys running everywhere and checking things out. When there are no boundaries, Rugby will go anywhere he pleases. So my children had to teach Rugby the boundaries of the yard, since we had no fence. And I will say things have gone a lot smoother since that very first week.

Having physical boundaries like a fence, stone wall, or even a guardrail can be a very good thing.   Having boundaries can be very good thing in our life.

Yet many of us struggle when you start talking about having boundaries when dealing with relationships or with people in general. I really believe many of us struggle, in keeping healthy boundaries in relationships.

I can honestly say, that I often struggle in this area. I am probably not the best person to speak on having healthy boundaries. Often, I want to be helpful. I would rather help someone else out and get their work done, then to get my own chores done around the house. If a friend or anyone comes in the office and wants to meet with me, I find it incredibly difficult to say “no” to them. Because when I do, I feel selfish and I don’t want people to think I am not available for them. Sometimes I struggle with just taking time out for myself.

Sometimes, I can find it is easier to work longer hours at church, for some of you it is your place of employment, because I am feeling like I am being productive and making a difference, yet when I look at the bigger picture, I know that I have neglected my family and spouse. And as a pastor it is too easy to write it off as I’m doing God’s work or I can begin to make it about a spiritual thing. But the truth of the matter is that it’s more about me than anything else.

So often I can neglect the things that are the most important to me. I can put other people first in my life and the people who matter most get what little is left. Why do I do it? Why do I neglect my family at times? Because part of me knows I will receive more grace from my family. My family will love me.

So often the things that are the most important take a backseat in life. I tell myself lies, that I will do better tomorrow. Or tomorrow will be a better day. Yet another week goes by and then a month, and I know my boundaries with relationships are all screwed up.

Anybody ever feel that way? Can anybody else relate to the struggles with boundaries? Like I mentioned, I don’t believe anybody intentionally does this. Yet we buy into the fact that we need to be more helpful towards other people or that my work needs me to complete this project.

So often we tell ourselves that our family can wait. I will make it up to them next week. I promise to play that game with my child. I promise that I will read their favorite book tomorrow night. God, I know that I haven’t met with you in a long time. I promise I will make it to church. I promise that I will read the Bible tomorrow.

Let me ask you a question, “What are the boundaries you are struggling with?”

Identify it…Write it down on the back of the bulletin…

The more I thought about boundaries, the more I thought we (as a group or as society) really do not like having boundaries around us. We don’t like to be told what or what not to do. We don’t like having rules put upon us. Even if they are good rules for us. We will fight it.

A perfect example is the speed limit sign. How many of us go the real speed limit everywhere we go? How many of us go 5 mph over? Why? Because we feel like we can get away with it. How many of us drive 10 to 15 mph over? Why, because those signs are really only guidelines in our life. We tell ourselves, I can handle so much more. Unless the cop pulls us over and then we just hope for a warning and wonder why he does not have something better to do with his time.

I am not sure much has changed since the beginning of time. Do you remember Adam and Eve? They are talking with God in the garden. Remember, God is telling them they could have any fruit from any tree but just don’t eat from this one tree. I read that story and often I think about my kids. You can go and play with anything but don’t touch this one item. And what do the kids do? They touch or play with the one item that I told them not to.

It is same way with Adam and Eve. God tells them you can have any eat fruit, from any other tree, in the garden. Yet, the serpent comes and tells Adam and Eve that they just have to eat from that tree. I can imagine that Adam and Eve look around and think, “I don’t see God. God really won’t mind. We’re good friends, God really won’t care.” They begin to eat from the tree. And who comes back to confront Adam and Eve. Yes, God comes back.

In the same way, Adam and Eve ate from the tree they were not supposed to, our children on occasion will do things they are not supposed to. We have rules or boundaries because we love our children. God has boundaries for our lives because he loves his children.

What we need to understand is having boundaries in our life is actually a good thing for us. Having healthy boundaries in our relationships with people will actually do more good in our life and help us to actually have better relationships.

Having healthy boundaries must begin with us. It is up to us to develop good, healthy boundaries in our relationships with people. Then over time, we will see that by developing good healthy boundaries, we will actually have more freedom to do what we really want instead of being people pleasers.

This morning I want to read you a scripture from Proverbs 4:23….

“Above everything else, guard your heart.

                   Everything you do comes from it.”

I read this verse and it is very powerful. I think it is full of wisdom for us today. May be we should read it again. Sometimes we read God’s word and we glance over it. We don’t see the meaning that God has for us. This one verse gives us strength and wisdom in how we need to set boundaries for our life.

Solomon in his great wisdom said….

“Above everything else, guard your heart.

                                   Everything you do comes from it.”

In other words, it is very important to guard yourself. That is what the passage or the verse is telling us.

Now if you see the words “Above everything”, do you see those words. If you have a highlighter or a pen, highlight those words. Think about it. Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived. Here Solomon says… Above everything. This is a big deal. Solomon wrote many of the Proverbs. Solomon is telling us this is important… What is it that God is saying, we need to guard. We are to guard our heart.

In the Hebrew, the heart refers to the inner man. In the inner man or person, is everything that is important. It is your core values that are in your heart. It is your feelings. It is your emotions that are in your heart. Your thoughts and decisions are all in your heart. Your life is in your heart.

We are to guard our heart from everything that comes towards it.

See Solomon knew that there would be things that would tempt us.

So often I believe we lose focus on the most important things in life. We let things into our life or into our heart that bring damage and harm. These things may just be small in nature but they add up. When we begin to let outside influences into our heart, our spirit changes. Our heart begins to harden. And those characteristics of peace, patience and joy, are no longer there. So it important for us to guard our hearts.

One of the ways to guard our hearts is by setting up boundaries in our life. What are the important things in my life that I need to make sure that I keep. What are things in my life that I need to make time out for? What are things in my life that mean the most to me?

As I thought about this they all begin with the letter “F’. The first key boundary in my life has to be faith.

Boundaries – Faith: One of the first boundaries that I need to guard is faith.

I put this as the most important because when I look through the Scriptures at Jesus’ life, what do I see the most? What do I see as the most important element to Jesus?

I continue to see Jesus spending time with God. I often see Jesus getting away from people. I see Jesus retreating from his disciples to do what? To be alone with God and spend time with his Father.

I would like to read – Mark 1:35-37

“Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they explained: “Everyone is looking for you!”   – Mark 1:35-37   (NIV)

Jesus understood where he received his guidance, power, strength, and wisdom. It was through being connected to his Father (God). It was through these times that Jesus was refreshed and nourished. I believe Jesus was able to bear tremendous amount of fruit for the kingdom because of his connection with God.

That was just one passage in the gospel of Mark. What is interesting in book of Mark, which details Jesus life, is we see many times where Jesus got alone with God.

Mark 1:9-13 – Spends 40 days in the desert praying, mediating on scripture, and fasting

Mark 1:35-37 – Jesus got up early in the morning to be with God

Mark 1:45 – Jesus goes out to pray

Mark 3:13 – Jesus spends all night in prayer

In this short amount of Scripture we see Jesus continually meeting with God. What Jesus realizes and what we need to realize is, that we need God to be a part of our life. We need to ask Jesus Christ to be a part of our life.

If Jesus made it a priority and had “boundaries” in his life and took time out to be with God, how much more do we need to take time out to be with God.

I know in my own personal life when I take time out to be with God, my life seems to go smoother. When people come my way, I often treat them better. I tend to have more patience for people. I have more kindness for people and their problems. When I meet with God there is something that happens to my heart where I begin to be softer, kinder, and gentler in my interactions with people.

It also works the opposite way, when I fail to take time out for God, when I fail to meditate on Scripture, I feel like my heart becomes hardened. Instead of focusing and helping people, my heart begins to think only of me and my needs. I become the person that I don’t want to be. Why? Because I fail to guard my heart.

So what can I do about this? What can I do today, that will help me guard my heart. What boundaries do I need to begin doing today to help me exhibit the peace and understanding that I want for my life?

I realize today there is a large group of people and we all are on a different commitment level. So I want share with you a few things to help you draw closer to God….

• For some of us this morning, we may have been dragged to church. Maybe we are home for the summer; maybe we want to please our spouse and were promised that if we went to church, we would go out for brunch afterward, so we came today. Maybe you’re a teenager and you have to be here.

What I am telling you is your first step may be just coming to church. Just coming to church may be your first step towards a relationship with God. My challenge to you would be… come to church regularly…. Make church a priority in your life. Give it a try….

• There is a second group of people out there this morning. You have been going to church and sitting in a pew weekly. You know that you need something more. Your spirit and heart want more.   Here is my challenge to you this morning.

For those that want to take the next step in your faith, join a small group here at church. I realize it is almost summer and some groups are stopping for the summer. Don’t let that stop you. Go to the information desk in the foyer, call the office, speak to Pastor Mary or Nancy Smith, and say I want to join a small group or join a Sunday School class that we offer here. We have opportunities for you to grow in your faith. That would be my challenge for you.

• Lastly, I would say there are many of you that have been Christians for years. You may have grown up in the church. You have heard countless sermons. You probably could do a better job at communicating than me. Your heart wants to meet with God and that may be a challenge to you.

For some of you, you may not even know where to start on this one. I would say pick one of the books in the New Testament. Begin with the book of Matthew and the goal is to carve out 10 minutes of your day and read 1 or 2 chapters in the Bible and pray to God.

I say this because I firmly believe that God’s word will change and transform your life. You heart will begin to soften and be more like Jesus.

I can already hear some of you in your mind saying, I don’t have time. I have work. I have kids. Let me tell you something. That is why boundaries are so important. You have to make time. And if you need an example, I want to share one with you.

I have a tremendous woman in my life, who loves the Lord. My wife and I have 5 children.  She knows the first one will be up by 6:30 a.m. and then the breakfast and getting ready for school circus begins. Lunches need to be packed. Getting everyone to their respected school. Then doing housework and still having a daughter at home. Then the after rush begins with the picking children up from school, and then getting them off to sporting events, then fixing supper, helping with homework, and then saying good night to them. Often times, she is worn out trying to please everyone.

Yet every morning, she wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to spend time with God, where she reads God’s word and prays for our family every day. Does she hear from God every day, probably not. But her heart is changing to become more like Christ.

For those of you that think you have had a tough time in your day, I ask you to carve out 10 minutes of your day. Whether it is the morning, lunch time, or during the evening to spend time with God. Let me tell you that it will be well worth it.

The first boundary is our FAITH….

2) Boundaries – Family – The second boundary that we need to protect is our families.

We live in a society where family time is being pushed to the side. Many of us have struggles with setting up healthy boundaries for our family. Because it is far too easy to get caught up in the rat race of the world.

Many of you are in working situations where you are being pushed to get more things done. You’re being asked to work longer hours. You have more meetings and you bring work home with you at night. You may even feel like if you fall too far behind, your job may be on the line.

In fact on your way home, many of you begin to rationalize with yourself that you will make it up to your family tomorrow, or next week. You even say to yourself that if I take my family on a cool vacation that will make up for many months where I have been absent. For you dads, I know this because I have led many men’s bible study where I have talked to countless men on this subject.

For some of you, you have children that are involved with extra-curricular activities. Often it’s a lot of activities (sport practices and games, musical lessons and recitals, scouts groups or 4-H, etc). It does not take very many activities, and each and every afternoon or evening is booked solid.

You may even ask yourself at times, is it really worth all the time and travel? You are glad to see your children involved in activities. They enjoy it and are having fun. But is it really worth the toll it places on the family.

That is a huge challenge for those of us who still have children at home. We may need to ask ourselves, what are the boundaries we have for our family???

I have talked to many people in this congregation and my former congregation that have come up to me and have said, I know your life is hectic right now. You may not seem like you get any time to yourself. Then they say the magic words… Enjoy your children because the time will go by so fast. It won’t be long before they are out of the house.

Those are the challenges we have when we begin to talk about having boundaries for our families. The question may be where do we start? I believe the first place you start is with your spouse.

• Take time out for your spouse.

This is the first relationships that matters in the family dynamics whether you have children or not. The relationship needs to be solid between the two of you. And that is hard work. Maintaining and having a relationship that is growing between the two of you is very hard work and it takes time each week for it to grow stronger.

My parents have shared with each of their children how their relationship almost grew apart. My dad would share that he put work first and foremost in their relationship. He looked at his job as the breadwinner. My mom took us to our practices and activities. She took care of the house and the kids. Their life revolved in just making it, day by day.

Years went by and their relationship slowly began to dwindle. Then one night over supper, one of them said, it seemed like we don’t know each other anymore. That night they made a commitment to work on their relationship. They started to have a date night where often they just went out on Friday nights for fish. But they intentionally started spending time together. Their relationship has improved and is healthy once again.

One of the problems when you add children to the mix of your marriage relationship is that you have to be intentional in spending time together. Why? Because all our energy and focus is with the children. We want what is best for our kids and our spouse becomes less of a priority.

This is something that many couples struggle with.   You have to begin to spend intentional time with your spouse. Just like when you were dating. You need to start taking time to talk and communicate with each other.

When our kids were small we set an 8 p.m. bed time and my wife and I looked forward to having time together. Sometimes we would have dinner at 8 p.m. or watch a movie. We traded watching kids with another family, so we got to go out.

As the kids got older, we started going on walks together. We still put the kids to bed earlier to have time together. We planned having a date night once a month where you go out. Often times, we found other families to watch our kids and switched off with them.

Husbands, give your wife a call every day and just let her know you’re thinking about her. Wives, make time out for your husbands. I know you had a long day with the children but spend time with your husbands.

The relationship you build together will have a huge impact towards your family. You will need to carve out time to make your relationship better. The best thing you could do for you and your children is to have healthy relationship with your spouse.

• Take time out for your children
  

Your children need to have time with you as well.  But do you see that I put it as number 2 under families. Because your spouse needs your time first.

With children, you need to have both quality time and quantity time. Your children want to spend time with you. It just may not be doing the same things you want to do. You have to find the things they have interest in. When they are younger it is easier.

When your children are younger it is done by things as simple as reading books together but as they grow up, you have to invent fun and special ways to be with your kids.

Examples: When my kids were younger, we would have special times. This would be a time mostly with dad that I would get to take the kids out for a fun event. Typically, since we had Dunkin Donuts – we would go there. We would have a donut and talk about their day.

Sometimes your kids want to do something with you that you may not feel like doing or be good at…

• Having a tea party with my daughter
• My wife Christy will play catch with Jeremiah

As the children get older the special time may change to shopping with mom or going to get ice cream with dad. Sometimes your time may be a game night, where you intentionally play games together such as Connect Four, Risk, or Settlers of Catan with our children. More often than not, we are now taking walks and hikes with our children.

One of the priorities that Christy and I believe in is having a family dinner. We intentionally plan and make time to eat together as a family. I would say try to eat together at least 4-5 times a week. Whether it is early because of ball practice or late because of a track meet. We just really try to have time together as a family.

It is also a time where we try to get our children to talk with each other and share about their day. My kids know that at some point in the conversation, we want to hear about a high point in their day. They have no problem telling us about their low point of the day.

The key ingredient to building a healthy family is putting down boundaries and making time out for your spouse and then also making time out for your children.

Boundaries – Friends

Lastly, I would say we need to talk about having boundaries with our friends. Each one of us needs to have healthy boundaries with our friends. Here is the deal with friendships. We all want to be accepted by people. It does not matter if you are a teenager, a young adult, or a senior adult. We want people to care about us. We are attracted to people that accept us.

As adults we realize that our friends influence the direction and quality of our lives. For instance, I served at a church that was 10 minutes from the starting point of the Boston Marathon. Would anybody care to guess, what activity many people in our congregation did? They ran together.

In my first few years of serving in the church, I began to have a lot of friends and relationships with people who like to run half or full marathons. Over time those friends invited me to hang out and go on a run with them. It did not take long for me to run races with them and then participate in triathlons. I have seen it over and over again.   The people we hang out with and spend time with are the same people we become.

The thing that makes friendships so powerful and great is the same thing that makes friendships so dangerous. When you are around people who have accepted you, you are the most open to those influences whether they are good or bad. I really believe acceptance leads to being influenced.

When you are around people who have accepted you, you often begin to drop your guard. You let things slide because you want to fit in. I saw this all the time when I was youth pastor, working with students. When people are in an environment where they are completely accepted, I have seen students and adults be widely open to negative influences that have done a ton of damage.

In fact, I bet if I asked you what your greatest regret is, it probably revolves around people who you thought were your friends. When you are with people who accept you, you can drop your guard. You can let things slide because you want to fit in, because you don’t want to stand out. Some of the most addictive behaviors imaginable are behaviors that we acquire when we are around our friends.

At the time it is fun. You are with your friends. You don’t often think about the consequences of your actions because you live for the moment. Yet, years later you may be experiencing the damage that was started by a time when your heart was not guarded. You let people influence you in a negative way.

I can think back to some of my college day experiences as a freshman. I still have some regrets to this day in the way I treated people. Things I did. Many things I am not proud of.

I am reminded of a passage in the bible that is so true.

1 Corinthians 15:33         “Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character”

I have seen this happen countless times. In fact, once you begin to go down a bad route, it is awfully difficult to change your behavior and stay in the same crowd of friends. It is extremely hard to break out of the cycle. For me, I had to leave one set of friends and develop another set of friends.

One of the most powerful thing we did in my last church was baptism video’s. A baptism video was a testimony of a person who gave their life to Jesus Christ. The person who was being baptized would share about how their life was empty or they would share about the bumps in the road they have taken. They would share about how they faced consequences of bad decisions that may have stretched for years.

Then the person would share how a friend, or a group of friends, or an even a couple would come into their life and help them. They would share how this person pointed them to Jesus and helped them with their problem. And now they are here proclaiming that Jesus Christ has changed their life.

What I love was that person being baptized would say an incredible thank you to a person or couple. They often would close the video sharing how their friend, or friends, or even a couple helped them change their life.

Why do they thank their friends? Because friends have the power to influence positively the direction and the quality of our lives. It’s a principle that never goes away. These stories remind me of another proverb.

Proverbs 13:20                  “Walk with the wise and become wise,

                                                For a companion of fools suffers harm.”

It is so important to have good boundaries with our friends. Friendships are a very powerful force. They can lead to destructive relationships. Things we will regret in time. Or friendships can be used in powerful ways. Ways that will help us draw closer to God.

My challenge for you this morning is, are your friends moving you in the right directions? Are your friends making you a better person? Do you need to spend more time or less time with certain friends?

Summary: This morning we have covered a lot. I am a very firm believer that you need to set up boundaries with your faith, with your family (which includes your spouse and children), and your friends.

I know it is not easy to set healthy boundaries in these areas, but my challenge to you is pick one (faith, family, or friends) and start on it.

Let us pray….