The Toughest Thing In Life… Learning to Forgive

This morning we are going to be talking about one of the hardest things to do in life. I would suggest doing this activity is hard to endure, yet unbelievable freedom can come from it. This morning, we are going to be talking about “Forgiveness”; how we need to learn to forgive the people that have hurt us.

My first realization of forgiveness happened when I was 10 years old. I received a portable radio/tv for my birthday. It was a device you could hold in your hand. This electronic device could pick up radio stations and even local TV stations. There was no screen to watch, you listened to it. At the time, I thought it was one of the coolest gifts that I had ever received for my birthday.

I can remember one Sunday shortly after receiving this gift (hand held, portable radio/tv device), I invited a friend from church over to my house for the day. I showed him my gift and we played outside that day. We did a lot sledding in my backyard. We had hot chocolate, played games and then his mom came to pick him up. We had a lot of fun.

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February 1, 2015
Matthew 18:21-35, The Toughest Thing In Life… Learning to Forgive
Pastor David Pranga, Brewster Baptist Church

Audio only – below[powerpress]

After my friend left, I remember going back to my room and looking for my new portable radio/tv device. I looked all over my room. Then I looked down in the basement. I could not find it anywhere. It was gone. My parents, brothers, and sister started looking for it. We all looked for it but we could not find it anywhere.

Eventually, that evening I called my friend and asked him if he remembered where we might have left it. He could not recall. After the phone call, I just knew deep down inside that he probably took it. Granted, I had no real proof but I knew it was gone. Time went by and we never found it.

I was so angry and bitter at my friend. How could one of my few close friends from church do this to me?

I can remember my parents sitting down with me and sharing with me that I need to “forgive my friend”. My parents explained to me, that holding on to my anger and bitterness toward my friend was not going to bring back my present. It was not going to help me in anyway. I needed to forgive my friend. It was as a 10 year old that I started to understand about a word called “forgiveness”. (For those who might be thinking…the radio/tv player never was found.)

Can you remember the first time or even the last time you were hurt unjustly? Can you remember when you first gave somebody forgiveness?

For you that have grown up in the church, you have heard all this before about how we need to forgive people who hurt us. Since the early days of Sunday School, you were taught that the “Christian” thing to do is to forgive. But in the real world it’s not that simple. Part of you wants to get even. Part of you wants revenge. And then there is this part of you that knows you should forgive. Forgiving and forgetting made for a nice Sunday School lesson. But it is difficult to transfer those childhood lessons into real world experience.

Let’s be honest, we live in culture overrun with stored-up grudges, resentment, bitterness, and broken hearts. We live in a world where people have harmed us.

In this room there are people who have been harmed by slander – they had friend or even a co-worker that told a lie that was not true and it spread and you were harmed. Your character was damaged by a person telling a lie that puffed them up and tore you down. For some people in this room you lost a job. It was nothing you did or did not do. A new boss came in and wanted to change the direction of the company and his decision impacted you both financially as well as your self-esteem. Others of you may have been emotionally or physically abused by someone. This hurt and pain has stayed with you. You have told no one but the pain still exists. You have learned not to trust anyone. For some of us we had a spouse that cheated on us or took advantage of us. That pain is still there today.

I believe in a size of this many people there are many hurts and painful experiences that we have all gone through. If we are honest and everyone shared their story, we would be amazed at how much pain, anger, and heartache we have gone through. Everyone in this room has a hurt and a painful experience they have had to deal with.

This morning we are going to look at forgiveness. This week as I did a study on forgiveness, I learned that Jesus really wants to free us.

This morning I read the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant….Its starts out with Peter and Jesus having a conversation about forgiveness.

I can image that Peter has a relational issue with someone. Probably a person that has offended him more than once. One thing I appreciate about Peter is that he speaks his mind. Peter just heard earlier in the chapter Jesus talking about forgiveness. Peter understood his responsibility to forgive. But Peter was not sure how far to take it. So Peter pulls Jesus aside and asks him for limits and measurements…

Scripture: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” – Matthew 18:21

What Peter is really asking- “When is enough, enough?”

I could imagine Peter having a relational problem with someone. Somebody that harmed him and at this point Peter has had enough of this person. How many times do I have to forgive this person? Is it always appropriate to forgive? Peter like many of us wants to do the right thing. Peter had to be thinking to himself. There has to be limits. Where is the justice in a system of forgiveness?

Peter knew Jesus always expected more than the average Rabbi of the day, so he takes a stab at what he believed would be a generous answer. What about 7 times? See Peter thought he was showing great faith and love when he offered to forgive at least seven times. It was the teaching of the Rabbi of the day that you only had to forgive 3 times. When a person sinned against them a fourth time. The person did not have to forgive. So for Peter to suggest 7 times would be fair and generous in his mind.

Before we go on with the story….What are the reasons why we don’t want to forgive people?

Reasons why we don’t want to forgive:

• Insecurity/Holding a grudge: I feel insecure with myself or my relationship with God. The idea of having a “one up” on someone by not forgiving them can provide a certain false sense of security.
• Jealousy: We don’t want to forgive someone who has something we think we should have. When someone is better off than we may be, we basically decide they don’t deserve our forgiveness.
  
• Fear: You are afraid of being hurt again. When you forgive someone you make yourself vulnerable.
  
• Self-pity: The idea that you have been hurt more than anyone, I just cannot forgive anymore.
  
• Shift the Blame: The feeling that I was in the right, and I had the right to do what I did. This attitude destroys countless relationships.
  
• Revenge: I want to the opportunity to get back at you.
• Pride: I don’t need this relationship. I don’t need that person.
• Failure to forget: Forgetting doesn’t just mean the inability to recall a situation. I believe forgetting means that you disregard or push aside the event, refusing to bring up the event again.
  
• Unworthiness: We decide the person doesn’t deserve to be forgiven.
• Repeat Offenders: I have forgiven you already 5 times but now I am done…
  
• A Lack of Strength: The final reason why I won’t forgive. After a deep hurt, we simply may feel we are not emotionally strong enough to say “I forgive you”.

We all have reasons why we really don’t want to forgive people who have hurt us. I think we can all pick one or two from the list that hold us back. When people hurt us, we all have a difficult time forgiving someone. I think Peter may be asking the same questions… When is enough, enough?

Let’s go back to the scripture and see what Jesus says…

Scripture: “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, Lord how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” – Matthew 18:21-22

What Peter did not understand was just how different Jesus’ perspective really was. By asking how often shall I forgive, Peter revealed his misunderstanding about the nature of forgiveness.

Jesus’ answer is that the Christian must forgive seventy-seven times. I don’t believe Jesus is talking about a literal 77 times. What Jesus is sharing with Peter and what we are supposed to learn, is that there are no limits to offering forgiveness.

When people hurt us, we need to forgive that person whether they come to us or not. Jesus is letting Peter know there are no limits to forgiveness. We are not to keep records of wrong of the person.

I think back to earlier with the story of my 10 year friend that hurt me by taking my present. He never came to me and asked for forgiveness. Yet my heart was hard. I was angry at him. Yet, I had to learn to forgive my friend.

Peter assumed that forgiveness is for the benefit of the offender. That is often what we think as well. What Jesus understood is that forgiveness is not only for person who did the wrongful act but it was also for the person who was hurt.

When we look at the definition of forgiveness:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

To forgive means to give mercy and not demand justice.

I think everyone here wants mercy from God when we mess up….I have never talked to anyone that prayed to God, “give me justice for the many times I mess up.”

We live in a world that says, grant me mercy for when I mess up but demands justice when people come in to our lives and mess it up….

What if God insisted on getting even with us every time we sinned? We would have been blown away years ago. I have never prayed to God, please God grant me justice for my sin. No, I pray that God will forgive my sins. That God will have mercy on my sins.

Jesus goes on and shares a parable (a story) to make his point.

Read Scripture: Matthew 18:23-35

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[a] was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.^[b] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

When we hear a parable, so often we can read it and wonder how this person could have done this….Our response, I would never act this way. If somebody forgave my debt then I would surely forgive somebody else’s debt.

I wish that was true. The reality is that we, just like the servant in the story, don’t forgive easily. We want to get back at the person who hurt us, the person that caused us pain. Often we are filled with hurt or when we experience pain, we defend ourselves.

Unhealthy Ways We Dealing with the Pain

• Imaginary Conversation:
• We all have our own way of dealing with hurt. Personally, I am prone to thinking and having imaginary conversations with the people that hurt me and I am upset with. The imaginary conversation gives me a feeling of power. I get to choose my words carefully. I know just what to say. I can make the person feel bad and wrong in my conversations. Of course I always look good and people side with me. I feel good about it.
• The problem with imaginary conversation is that it is flawed with lies. To begin with, my responsibility as a Christian is not revenge or to humiliate my enemies. I am to love them. Secondly, my wonderful perfect one liners and stinging comebacks would not relieve me of my anger. It might bring temporary relief. Once the conversation was done, my anger would come back, since I would still feel like he owed me something.
• Share our story:
• Some of us seek satisfaction through sharing our story. In fact, we share our stories with anyone who is willing to listen. We are looking for affirmation to ease the pain. We just want the people to agree that we are the victims.
• The problem with sharing stories and blaming other people, it does nothing for the debt to be taken away. We never feel like that pain or problem has gone away. It is still there haunting us. So we keep telling the story. But the pain still exists.
• Stuffing It:
• The last avenue for dealing with pain is “stuffing it”. Some of us have been told that we need to forget about it. Or we have been told that we, should not feel that way. As a result many Christians stuff their emotions. They attempt to deny the pain they have.
• The problem with “stuffing it” is, this generally leads us to depression. Depression is almost always caused by suppressed anger. Coping with anger just leads to more and more problems. The pain really does not go away. We put a scab on it. Hoping that it will never break

The problem with the unhealthy ways we deal with pain that has come in our life….whether its imaginary conversation, sharing our story to people, or just stuffing it in, is none of these ways really get rid of the pain that’s in our life. In the short term it may feel good but it does not work.

What Jesus is explaining through this parable is that we need to offer forgiveness to people that have hurt us. We need to remember that we are very much like that top servant. The king in our case is Jesus. Jesus has wiped out our debt. This debt is a huge sum. Jesus had to die on the cross for our sins, so that we can have salvation and be with him in paradise.

Jesus is asking us to remember what he has done for us. When people hurt you and they will; when people tear down your reputation; when people go out of their way to make your life harder remember that Jesus paid the price on the cross for you. He has already forgiven you. Jesus Christ has already shown great love for you.   There are no limits to the amount of times we have to forgive people. We are to keep no records of right or wrong. As Christians we need to let God deal with the wickedness of this world.

From a theological view point, we know that we need to forgive. In practical life it is hard to forgive someone. But we need to make a decision. It was hard for me to forgive a church friend that stole something that meant a great deal. It will be hard for you to make the decision to forgive the person that God has brought to your mind throughout the sermon.

Remember it is a choice to forgive someone. We can either release the pain or keep it bottled up inside.

Some of the scripture verses that have helped me…

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another” – Colossians 3:13

Remember the Lord’s Prayer that we say every Sunday….

“And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors”

For those of you who are still struggling with this idea of forgiveness that Jesus is asking us to do. Jesus is warning us to let it go because he knows how destructive bitterness can become….

We may not understand it or we may not want to hear what God has to say. Our negative response may mean we don’t understand everything that is involved. God may see things we may not see. God feels very strongly that we are to offer forgiveness in all circumstances. Let me share another illustration with you…

As a father, I issue my most stern warning to my children when dealing with things that may cause great danger and harm to my kids. When I tell my four year daughter to get out of the street and that she should not play in it. I probably don’t speak in a calm, warm, inviting tone of voice.

I am quite sure and my wife would agree that my voice may sound threatening on those few occasions. But I’m not angry. (Ok may be a little bit.) My tone of voice is really influenced by two things. (1) my love for my 4 year old daughter and (2) my knowledge of cars and what they could do to a 4 year old.

When Jesus is addressing the issue of forgiveness, there are two things that may influence his tone in this parable: (1) His love for His children and (2) knowledge of bitterness. Jesus’ warning is severe because the consequences of ignoring it are severe.

Our anger and lack of forgiveness is nothing to mess around with. It is nothing to hold on to any longer than we have to. To refuse to forgive is to choose to self-destruct. God realizes where we are heading and wants to protect us from it. When you hold on to anger, hurt, or bitterness, you invite problems into your life. Things that will continue to get worse.

Instead, God wants us to grant forgiveness to the people that have hurt us

Forgiveness is the oil of relationships. It reduces the friction and allows people to come close to one another. Every relationship has a chance that there will be conflict and hurt. What God cares about is our actions when the hurt comes. Are we willing to let go? Are we willing to forgive the person, even if he does not ask for it? Are we willing to turn the check in the love of Jesus Christ?

I would like to leave you with a story – Corrie ten Boom…

Corrie ten Boom and her sister, whom she loved and greatly admired, were prisoners in Hitler’s concentration camp. One guard was exceptionally brutal to them. Corrie could handle being treated badly, but she could hardly bear to see this guard being so cruel to her sister, who eventually died from the beatings. Over the years a great resentment toward this German guard built up inside Corrie.

After the war, Corrie went to Germany not just to say a message of forgives, but to be a message of forgiveness. Guilt was heavy on the German people, and they were silent as they came in and out of the Berlin church where she was speaking. One of the people standing in line to greet her after the service was the guard who had beaten her sister. He approached her and said, “I appreciate your message tonight. I have come to know Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord and have come to ask your forgiveness for my cruelties in that prison camp.”

Corrie had just delivered a talk on forgiveness. Yet when she recognized the man as the one who had so cruelly abused her sister, bitterness came into her heart. He stood there with his hand out, but Corrie could not raise her arm to take it. He repeated, “Corrie, will you forgive me?” Within herself she cried out, “O God, help me!” and began to thank God for His love that was stronger than her bitterness and hatred. Suddenly she felt a warmth come through her body as the Holy Spirit filled her heart with God’s love. Before she realized what she was doing, she had taken his hand, was looking him in the eye and was saying, I forgive you everything.

I can think of this story when there comes a time when I think forgiveness it too hard. The power to forgive is available through Jesus Christ’s death on the cross. When I struggle with it, I can turn to God to help me overcome my lack of faith to forgive the person.

Giving and receiving forgiveness is the greatest power available for resolving conflicts today. It is one of the greatest needs in all the world. It is also one of the toughest things as Christians we are called to do.

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, thank you for forgiveness. Thank you for Jesus Christ dying on the cross for my sins, that I might be totally forgiven. Lord, help me to forgive the people that have hurt me. I know that I need your help in this. Give me strength to swallow my pride and seek forgiveness when I have done wrong. Heal me of my resentful feelings. Lord, help me be a channel of your forgiveness to the people I come across. I pray all this amen.