Affair-Proof Your Relationships

February 28, 2011

The 7th Commandment says (Exodus 20:14): “You shall not commit adultery.” Some people may wonder why we’re focussing on the Ten Commandments in worship and small groups. They may think that the Ten Commandments were part of the law in the Old Testament and as Christians we’re saved by grace and not by works that we do so the Ten Commandments don’t matter to us. Let’s be clear about something: no where in the New Testament does it suggest that less is expected of a Christian under grace than of a Jewish person under the law. In fact, the opposite is true.

February 27, 2011
Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27-29, Affair-Proof Your Relationships
Douglas Scalise, Brewster Baptist Church
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That is what Jesus makes clear in the Sermon on the Mount when he reminds his listeners repeatedly of what Moses said and then he raises the expectations even more. Jesus stresses throughout his ministry that it is not just a few major outward behaviours, like the Ten Commandments, that matter to God; it is the condition of our heart. When it comes to the seventh commandment, Jesus says,

27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away; it is better for you to lose one of your members than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” Matthew 5:27-29

Today I am going to be preaching about some subjects that are personal. I will be sharing some of what Jesus has to say about lust and adultery. Hollywood frequently uses these themes for entertainment in television shows and movies. However, there is nothing funny about these painful topics for some of us because of our past experiences or because of what we are going through right now. I pray that while it may be difficult for some of you to hear, that some of what I share may be helpful.

When Jesus said, “You shall not commit adultery,” those who were listening to him probably thought, “I’ve heard that since I was a kid in synagogue school.” What they hadn’t heard was what Jesus said next, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman for the purpose of lusting after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” That’s when people in the crowd turned to one another and said, “Oh man, are we in trouble.”

Whether we are a man or a woman, Jesus’ point is that just because you don’t commit adultery with a certain person, doesn’t mean your relationship with that person in the area of sexuality is as it should be or that you yourself are what you ought to be with reference to your sexuality. Your heart can be very far from the kingdom of God in this regard, even if you have never committed adultery.

In the Old Testament adultery had a precise and limited definition: sexual relations between a married or engaged woman and any man other than her husband. Adultery, therefore, was committed only against the husband, never against the wife. It was considered a grievous transgression (Exodus 20:14; Deuteronomy 5:18; Leviticus 18:20), to be punished by the death of both persons involved (Deuteronomy 22:22-24).  We don’t know whether this was ever carried out, but it may have been, and the threat of execution still apparently existed into the first century as we see in chapter 8 of the Gospel of John (7:53-8:11). The law was probably intended to ensure that any child born to the wife was the husband’s child. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus broadens the definition of adultery saying that a husband could be held responsible for committing adultery against his wife (Matthew 5:32; Luke 16:18).

While it does not fit our 21st century view, in Israel at the time of Moses, a wife was viewed as a piece of property belonging to her husband. This is also reflected in the tenth commandment about not coveting anything that belongs to your neighbor’s household beginning with his wife. The Hebrew verb for covet implies intentional planning to obtain something for oneself that is not rightfully yours.

What Jesus is prohibiting in Matthew 5:28 is not just the forming of a plan for seducing your neighbor’s wife or husband, but the mental act of lusting after her or him in the first place. Just as anger is the root that leads to murder, lust can lead to adultery.

In the early church women were to be welcomed as sisters. Paul wrote to Timothy (1 Timothy 4:2) that he was to speak “to older women as mothers, to younger women as sisters – with absolute purity.” The new relationship with women among Jesus’ followers required of men a new kind of self-discipline in mastering their sexual desires. In our time, this need for self-discipline and purity is a part of every believer’s life.

Because we live in an age of television and the Internet, we have far easier access to temptation in regard to our sexual behavior than people in the past. When I was in middle school the raciest show on television was Charlie’s Angels, now reruns of that show would look downright quaint compared to a host of other current programs. Sex is also used to sell virtually every product under the sun from alcohol to cars to personal care products you name it. How ironic is it that during the Super Bowl the Fox network wouldn’t accept any ads that touched on faith, but the vast majority of the ads shown were degrading to and objectified women. Temptation is thrown at us everywhere.

There is an excellent description of how we fall into sexual temptation in Job 31:1-8, where Job shares how he maintained his integrity. He says, “I have made a covenant with my eyes, how then could I look upon a virgin (or young woman)? If I have walked with falsehood, and my foot has hurried to deceit – if my step has turned aside from the way, and my heart has followed my eyes, and if any spot has clung to my hands…if my heart has been enticed by a woman, and I have lain in wait at my neighbor’s door…that would be a heinous crime.”

As Job describes it so well adultery or other inappropriate sexual relationships begins with our eyes, moves to our heart and mind, then finally to action. Nothing “just happens” in this area of our lives. It happens because we look for it, we’re open to it, we fantasize and think about it, and we try to make an opportunity happen or when the opportunity presents itself, rather than resisting it in our integrity, we welcome it in our weakness.

To be right sexually before God is to be like Job. Job did not let his eyes, heart, mind or body dwell on or engage in practices he knew would cost him his integrity before God, his family or his community and lead to pain, heartache, strife, and sin. Unfortunately, millions of us do not have Job’s integrity or moral strength. Pornography is now a $10 billion a year industry and an epidemic in our country wrecking lives, destroying marriages, distorting and warping young people’s views of healthy relationships. The rise of the Internet has made pornography pervasive and easily accessible in the privacy of one’s own home. Craig Gross and Mike Fisher, Christians who have begun the ministry www.XXXChurch.com say there are three levels that they find folks in: the Targeted – those of us who get spam email from the porn industry, the Tempted – those who struggle and find themselves looking now and then, and those in the Trenches who are addicted to porn and it has ruined their life, their intimacy with their spouse or their ability to have a healthy relationship with some one else.

A person can move through these levels very quickly and often folks wait to get help until it is too late and the damage has been done. The lie people tell themselves is that what they’re doing isn’t hurting anyone else – well it’s hurting you, and your current or future relationships. You’re doing damage to you soul.  The church needs to be a safe place for folks to talk about issues like this one.  We’re a congregation filled with moral failures, just in different areas of our lives.  We all need the grace and forgiveness of Christ and we need to get on the path to purity and respect. For those of you dealing with this issue I recommend going to www.XXXChurch.com and looking at some of the resources and helps they have including free software you can download to help you hold yourself accountable with others who are close to you. For those of you who would rather read, get Steve Gallagher’s book At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry. Whether one is male or female, we are playing with fire when it comes to looking to lust and obsessive desiring in our heart that leads to action.

There is a story of two Buddhist monks who were walking to their monastery and were caught in a drenching thunderstorm. They came to a stream swollen beyond its banks. Standing there was a beautiful woman wanting to get across. One of the monks asked, “Can I help you?” The woman said, “I need to cross the stream.” The monk picked her up and carried her across and placed her safely on the other side. He and his companion continued to the monastery.  That night his companion came to his room and said, “As monks we’re not to look at a woman or to touch a woman, and you did both!”

The first monk said, “I left her there at the stream, are you still carrying her?”

Four whole chapters of the Book of Proverbs (4-7) are mostly about sexual purity and the dangers of adultery. What happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas; it impacts our soul and our relationships. It is wiser not to “go to Vegas” at all. When Jesus says if your eye causes you to sin, pull it out and throw it away, if your hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away, he means, take drastic action. The truth is you could cut off and pull out every part of your body with which you can sin, and you can still have a wicked, sinful heart. If you dismember your body to the point where you could never murder or even look hatefully at another, never commit adultery or even look to lust, your heart could still be full of anger, contempt, and obsessive desire for what is wrong. Jesus says in Mark 7:21-23, “For it is from within, from the human heart, that evil intentions come: fornication, theft, murder, adultery, avarice, wickedness, deceit, licentiousness, envy, slander, pride, folly. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”

Sadly, adultery often results not just from lust but when there is a lack of emotional as well as physical intimacy between spouses. If we’re going to affair-proof our marriage we need to continue to pursue and romance our spouse. “Intimacy is a spiritual hunger of the human soul, we cannot escape it.”[1] Intimacy is to be really known and really knowing; this is what we long for, it is larger than sex; sex is an appropriate part of that, but if you just go for sex, you’ll never get the intimacy.

Adequate intimacy is the best protection against inappropriate sex. Intimacy comes within the framework of mutual faithfulness, trust, and respect. Where these are missing or absent, intimacy will be lacking as well.  Intimacy is destroyed by anger and contempt. Many marriages are fatally undermined because of the anger and contempt one mate expresses for the other – whether for their body, mind, talents, family or for something he or she has done or isn’t doing. Sexual delight between mates is impossible when anger and contempt are present and faithfulness, trust and respect are absent.

It is important to understand, especially for young people and single people, “that sexual desire is not wrong as a natural, uncultivated response, any more than anger is or pain.” God thinks sex is a wonderful thing, after all God is the one who created it!  However, it is to be shared within the context of an intimate marriage relationship. The Old Testament book Song of Solomon is full of the language and imagery of passionate love between a bride and groom. The pair sings of a walled garden (4:12, 15, 16; 5:1); a secret place open only to the devoted couple. There they enjoy mutual delight and intimacy, with a heightened appreciation of the beauty all around them and within them.

It is not wrong to notice someone is attractive or to desire him or her, it is not wrong to feel, as the song in the musical South Pacific says that, “There is nothing like a dame, nothing in the world.” We all will have thoughts that are influenced by what we see, which is why we need to be careful about what images we expose our selves to at all times. We all are tempted – the Bible says Jesus was tempted in every way as we are, the key is not to sin. This goes back to what we talked about with Job, it’s one thing to notice a person is attractive; it is something very different to plot how we can be with them or use them versus seeking to truly get to know them as persons. We want to be people of respect, resolve, and faithfulness.

In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus talks about lust, adultery, and divorce.  Often the first two lead to the third. In the Old Testament, divorce is acknowledged as something that unfortunately happens and some regulation is put on it (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus’ teaching goes behind the regulation of divorce to God’s intention regarding marriage. Jesus does not forbid divorce absolutely, “but he makes it very clear that divorce was never God’s intent for men and women in a marriage. The intent in marriage is a union of two people that is even deeper than the union of parents and children, or any other human relationship. They are to become “one flesh,” one natural unit, building one life.”[2]

Thinking about difficult issues such as lust, pornography, adultery, and divorce, we recognize how much we all need the forgiveness of God and how much we need to do our part in becoming more fully followers of Jesus whose eyes, lives, and choices reflect what Jesus would do if he were living our life. Part of being in the kingdom of God is learning how to treat all people with purity and respect as sisters and brothers in Christ. When some men brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught in the very act of adultery (why they were watching and why they didn’t bring the man we don’t know), they all had stones in their hands ready to kill her. Jesus told them to let the one who was without sin throw the first stone, and they went away beginning with the oldest. Jesus said to her, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?” “No Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” Jesus forgave the woman, but expected her to learn from her past and not to commit adultery again.

If you have committed adultery you and your partner may need to see a counselor. This is very delicate and painful, but it needs to be done in the context of forgiveness and healing. If you are committing adultery – end the relationship now. No more conversations, no more phone calls, no more meetings.

The truth is we are all sinners who have fallen short of the glory and desire of God for our lives. We need to put down the stones, and stop looking for others whose sins are different than our own or “worse” in our eyes. It is far more beneficial to work on yourself and the areas that you need the Holy Spirit to help you overcome. What Jesus is sharing are not laws, but examples of how the heart he gives us in the kingdom causes us to be. We cannot do what needs to be done without the inner transformation Christ works in us. People falsely believe they’re going to do these things and continue to be the person they are at present. It doesn’t work that way. God’s grace leads to the inner transformation of the person that leads to outer fruit that is a reflection of God’s goodness, purity, love, and respect.

Remember, God is far more concerned with where we’re going, than where we’ve been.

Invitation

Whether you are married, divorced, widowed or single – you are being proposed to. Jesus is proposing to you. An invitation to be adopted into His family

as a son and daughter. God is love means God wants what is best for you.

God doesn’t show He loves us, by sending a poem or dropping a bunch of red roses onto our doorstep. “God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.” Romans 5:8

Jesus devotion to us is not expressed in a poem, but through cries of agony on the cross. It’s not champagne Jesus drinks, but bitter wine.

He doesn’t bear roses in His arms, but a crown of thorns wedged on His head.

He doesn’t bathe us in fine smelling perfume, but saves us through sweat and blood. God’s proposal was nailed to a cross – that’s true love.

The way to resist the temptation to infidelity is to root our single life or our marriage in the rich soil of God’s love.

Response

  • Have you accepted God’s proposal to be in Relationship with Him?
  • Are you in an adulterous relationship? Will you end the relationship?
  • Do you need God’s forgiveness and healing for inappropriate relationships in the past?
  • Do you have addictions (pornography) which need breaking?
  • Does your marriage need Reviving?
  • Are you struggling with being single, a single parent or widowed?

Do you need to say:

  • I was wrong.
  • I need help.
  • Own up to your needs
  • Receive forgiveness and healing from Christ
  • Begin Again

Prayer

Jesus, you are the faithful One.

You are faithful in your every thought, your every word, and your every action.

Forgive my unfaithfulness – cleanse me from disobedient thoughts and actions.

I accept your proposal to be in relationship with you.

May you fill me with your Holy Presence.

Holy Spirit, give me love, power and self-control.

Help me to be faithful in word, thought and deed.

Amen.

[1] Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy, p. 163.

[2] Willard, Divine Conspiracy, 169.

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